Rain is measured in inches, however, it is also reported by how heavy it is raining. When I lived in the world of rain, and changing seasons, Cleveland, Ohio, I would sit on the front porch ( it was also the land of porches), and like most kids , wonder about my place in life. My Grandma Alberta, and my eight year old self, would have long debates on life from two opposite sides of it. One day she stunned me with how I had to "uphold the race". How that weight was on my eight year old back, and I would have to carry it as long as I lived. Whoa! How did I get that Job? Did she mean me only, which she did, but also everyone else who was young and black?
From that awakening, I was now a member of, "God, don't let him be black" club, every time there was a news report of some terrible crime, The sigh of relieve when it wasn't. The deep pain in the center of your body when it was. At eight, I wondering, what did the race do ,that was so horrible, that it needed to be "upheld". A long time ago, did we raid Europe and steal the people, ripped them from their loved ones and take them to Africa, enslave them, rape their women and beat the soul, and spirt, and hope , from the men. Get rich, for centuries, on the back of their slave labor, and once freed, denied them a decent living and existence. No, it wasn't that.
I carried that rain, until I sat on a grassy knoll, on the campus of Fieldstone Academy, in New York City, and listen to Malcolm X speak. Growing up without a Father, and having just a few black men who had very little time, working their two jobs, it was like being struck by lightning, to have this man look at me, and tell me I had VALUE. He looked me dead in the eyes. I didn't have to uphold shit. There was nothing wrong with "me". There was nothing wrong with my skin color, my hair texture, my big lips and broad nose. Nor, was my view of the world and its History, wrong. There was nothing but hard working men and women in my life and they were called lazy? They supported their families with a bunch of nothing jobs and very little hope.
He said that, of course you will think that you are crazy, when every cell in your body is telling you that what they want you to believe, worship, and surrender to, was a lie. So, you worship and believe harder and the pain gets worst, and the crazier you get. Why not get high, some say. But they don't care that you are high, as long as you stay out of the way. As long as you carry the weight of rain and don't rock the boat, they will even sell you the dope,
If you don't feel me yet, its like a man or women, waiting at home, when here she comes in at 3:30am with a story you want to believe with every fiber in your body, and when you do, nothing will be right for you, ever again. Because you will be insane.
Just think Earl all of this knowledge you have been keeping inside. Its time to write a book. Knowledge is power, you got it. Becky
ReplyDeleteI thoroughly identify with your upbringing Earl although mine was on a porch in the 5th Ward of Houston, Texas. I still harbor that feeling of "don't let him be black" as so many of us do. Every serial killing brings out that thought, to this day. I feel ya brother.
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